Have you ever felt like something was wrong but you don't even know what? Like there is a huge weight or knot in your chest and it's hard to breathe...Like your heart is beating so fast and hard you check your pulse just to remind yourself you're not actually dying. A lump in your throat that just won't budge so you attempt to chug cold water to show yourself, your throat is indeed NOT closing. You become hot, and your head pulses, your ears feel plugged or need to 'pop'. Your mind is in too many places, no matter how much you try to tell it to calm down and focus on one thing at a time. You're overwhelmed. You just want a dark room to close your eyes or go to sleep for some peace but that just amplifies your thoughts. Loud noises, bright lights, all your senses are heightened to the point where you just want to explode. Irritation, anger, frustration - all these horrible feelings sprinting at you all at once. I'm experiencing that this very second. (Well, when I first started this post in the notes app on my cell) I am literally closing my eyes while typing this as much as I can because I wanted to wait till I had another 'flare-up' of these feelings to truly outline what it's like.
Not just to you all, in hopes that it helps you, but also to those who know me, in hopes to help them understand me better. To get a picture of the things that I fight hard each day to avoid. The reason I have made it a point to meditate each morning. The reason I have learned to say 'no'. The reason why I may appear so much more distant or have cut ties to being a friend to, maybe even, you. I have to. I'm at a point where this is no longer just an option. I have to. I have learned to not care about certain things. Even this post being an unapologetic, raw description of how I feel is an example of that. It's a description, not an explanation to anyone. I simply wanted to share a part of me some won't. Or even to build a community with those who experience the same thoughts, feelings and physical pain.
I'm Taylor Rednose and at times, I suffer from extreme anxiety. I say at times because there are periods of time all the steps I take to keep myself in a positive space and energy, work. And there are times when they fall short. But even when they do, they are worth the effort. Because I have learned there are times when I can reset the day halfway through, and there are days when I need to give myself grace, not guilt, that I just simply had a bad day. And if that bad day, turned into an off week, I still have to love myself through it. This is the hardest lesson, and I have to consciously remind myself to do it at times.
I will admit I'm quite ignorant to all the different types of medication options out there, and personally, I don't like the idea of Xanax or any other controlled substance (unless of course, I was told it was a need from a doctor to take it), so focusing on positivity not only brings me joy to share with others but it is a need I have for my everyday well-being. I just know my body. My body is hypersensitive to any medicine I take. Get to know your body and be your own judge, but do it the right way. If things progress for me, I'll be looking into all options. But for now, I get through the rough days one day at a time.
For tips on what I do, check out the list below. But before you do, for those who experience anxiety, let me share something I had to learn the hard way and still have to actively remember. This is in your hands. No one you run to, or vent to or cry to is going to understand you 100%. They may try, but you will feel as if they are not or it is not enough. You may even feel abandoned or unloved. We are each so unique we cannot expect them to. Expectations usually only lead to disappointment in this situation. We cannot get angry at them for not understanding and to repetitively ask questions we can't really answer. And again, I fail at this often, but give yourself grace and keep that in mind.
A Peek Into My Remedy:
- Prayer & Meditation: Apps like Guided Mind offer free guided meditations and have helped set the tone for my day. If you need prayer guidance the Bible app has a daily verse, and the Dwell app reads scripture aloud for you to dive into the word. My Faith is a saving grace for me but even that light can go dim if you let it...You have to put yourself back in alignment.
- Therapy: I hope and pray the idea of Therapy is not an outlandish thing for you or anyone anymore. It helps so much to say things out loud to someone who is only there to help you and not judge you. Even if it's just to clear up some mind space, therapy is worth it. OR find your own method of therapy. For example, writing this blog post is helping me today when nothing else did. Sound therapy is another example, the Calm app now charges a fee but it was my go-to. Now for a free option, I listen to the free Pandora station named 'soothing music' or 'spa music'.
- Self-care rituals: For me, simply a hot bath, or pedicure can put me in a zen mood. Praise and worship in the car, picking up your favorite smoothie, getting all dolled up are all other things I have done for a quick pick me up.
- Exercise, nutrition& detoxing (even from people or an environment): The natural release of endorphins is not just a 'guess' if it'll help you feel better, it's science. However, I will admit, when I'm in an extremely low place, just getting to the gym is the hardest part. So drinking a 'green-juice' also helps. Hot tea and lemon, cold fruit-infused water are great quick detoxes. I've also started incorporating CBD that's been helping I believe, but it is something you'd have to remember to do daily to feel the effects of it. Another natural remedy my co-worker actually just introduced me to is the Four Sigmatic brand. They have tea or coffee plus elixir that focuses on nutrients that give the benefits for stress relief and even anxiety relief. I'll be doing more research on it soon.
- Even simply giving myself Grace: This may seem simple, but it can be the hardest thing to do. It's instinct to focus on what's wrong versus what is right with you. You have to manually put yourself in a good space most times and look a challenge as an opportunity to grow. And if you're a believer you to have REMEMBER 'I am a child of the Most High, the King of Kings, the Lord of all Lords. I am blessed and highly favored. God would not bring me to something I could not overcome. No weapon formed against me shall prosper.' Lastly - I also simply ask for prayer from those who I trust to pray for me.
I hope this was helpful to those going through it and even to those who do not, I hope it just gives you insight to understand someone like me who experiences it a little better. Keep in mind, it looks different for everyone and can be multi-faceted. But I don't have the mental capacity to go into a deep dive today. So for now, Thanks for listening! Leave comments if you have any questions or even on other suggestions you use to stay in good energy and peace.